Hi guys,

So it's time that I came clean. When I joined in July I wasn't exactly a new member and I know that I should have been honest about who I was from the start. I fully expect everything to go crazy now, and you are all within your rights to be angry with me for all of this. Please know that there are a lot of reasons that I did this - mostly due to my own mental ill health and a need to escape myself - but that does not make this better. It is not an excuse.

So, the truth?
I am Alexia.
I am currently going through counselling and trying to get a diagnosis for the issues which I have been experiencing and felt that coming clean would be another step on my way to recovery.

I am expecting backlash.
All that I can say is sorry, and hope that you can all forgive me.






To the staff, I am sorry for leaving the dispersal of my stock to you. In the future I will take responsibility for anyone that comes under my buybacks. I know that this created extra work that you didn't need.

First off, Alexia, -hugs-. I have had my fair share of anxiety and depression and it caused me to end all this and Ive lost ALOT of good ponies and I almost lost my daughter in the process. Know that I am here if you ever need anybody to talk to. My marraige is finally getting back on good ground and we are feeling like a family again and been moving into our new home. You aren't alone. I don't know what everyone else will say, but like I said if you need anybody to talk to, know that I am here and I've gone through the same thing.

Well, I've got my bit to say, and I feel like I'm entitled to that. You know how this game works. If you come and go frequently, we're of course happy to see you, but people are a little more hesitant to give you horses they're likely to have to reclaim again. Creating a new account and freely accepting horses from other people is downright sneaky, and you know that damn well. So that's all I'll say on that. I knew you'd picked things up really quickly and started judging big fields pretty past, but hell, what were the odds of two members pulling the same shit within a few months of each other? Not great, so no one checked.

I just hope you realize how much of an idiot it makes me (I can't speak to anyone else) feel in hindsight after I praised you for campaigning the horses so well, and putting you on a pedestal as a newer member that's so brave for picking up big fields.

That being said.

You've always been a phenomenal asset as a member. Of course we love having you around. It's fun to chat and you are incredibly helpful with judging and you campaign your horses well (both in the past and presently, for all of that). My point? This was unnecessary, and I don't really know that mental health is the excuse. Of course everyone wants a fresh start somewhere, at some time, and you made a bad decision, but I can say we've probably all done that at some time or another. I've done it before on roleplaying sites, and I owned up to it as a decision that I made, knowing that people were more likely to do stuff with me. That's what this was. Shit happens.

So here's the thing. You need to check with everyone who gave you or sold you horses and see if they're okay with you keeping them. If not, they go back, no questions asked or complaints made. You can keep the ones I sold you - they're doing well, and I've been incredibly happy with you and their progress. I hope everyone's paying attention, because this is such a small community to begin with and we like you guys. So this whole situation is so unnecessary.

All of that ranting done, belatedly, welcome back Alexia.

I am going to make a point of not ignoring any responses to this thread, and will address everyone when I read the replies. In many ways, it would have been easier for me to post this and leave, but I wish to show that I have learnt from my mistake and will do my best to redeem myself.

Holly - I appreciate it, my issues are deepset and the team at the local mental health clinic are considering several different diagnoses of varying severity. I am hoping once I have answers things will become a little easier to control.

Kenren - I know that I did wrong here. Part of me wanted to come clean a while ago, but I was scared to. As I have said I wanted to escape myself, and everything I am or have ever been. I am not using my mental health as an excuse, but it was a contributing factor in what happened here. I can only apologize again and hope that in time I can redeem this mistake. Thank you for allowing me to keep the horses I have got from you and I will continue to campaign them to the best of my ability.

ripley, Sammy, cavallo, S u N f r O s T ~ if you wish to reclaim any of your horses, or refute breedings, then I fully understand.

I feel for you Alexia, I really do. We all have our highs, lows, and really really lows. No matter what name you're under we'll love you all the same here as this community is a family, or at least some of try to be! I do hope the going gets a little better for you and hope that you're here to stay for years to come. 

I have to agree with Kenren on this one as a staff member, and it would have been nice to just have you back as Alexia even if you wanted to start fresh under a new stable name. It would have been easier on all of us, and may have been easier on you and your mental health. I understand fighting with the demons in our head gets tiring, as it's happened to probably all of us at one point, but we would have gladly welcomed you back as yourself if you had just explained what was going on!

You can keep the horses I sold to you because you have been racing them actively! Please if you need anyone to talk to we are all here for you, and welcome back:)

Alexia I just want to say welcome back I know me and you haven’t really talked much but you were there when I first started, unless there was another Alexia. You can keep the horses you got from me and keep reserves as well. It is good to have you back and just know like many have said we are here for you.

@rendezvous thank you for your kind words, I hope to be here for many years to come now that things seem to be getting better. Accepting the issues I have been facing, and seeking the help I need, has definitely started to help me make sense of things.

Cruisey thank you for allowing me to keep the horses. You are right that it would likely have been better for me to just come back as myself and explain things, but at the time I just didn't see things that way. I am just thankful to be part of such a great site and realize in hindsight that I should have been honest from the start.

Sammy thank you. It is indeed the same person from when you first started, and I really do love this place and the members because it's just such a great community.

I am another who has several mental health issues, one that causes me difficulty in understanding/interpreting and responding to social situations. As you have probably noticed I get myself into trouble occasionally due to this. I've gotten upset enough on several occasions that I just wanted to quit and run away because I didn't know how to handle interacting with people after a disagreement. I didn't run off, as I knew it wouldn't teach me anything good, and I'd lose on something I've worked for years to build. I may not be liked very much by some, I may be liked a lot by others, but in the end as long as I'm allowed to keep playing and trying to fit in I learn much more than I ever would running away. My ponies may be good, bad, and/or ugly (and not real), but they mean something to me. They may not give me hugs and kisses but they give me a stability and a place to learn and practice social skills in what I feel is a safe environment (and I've had very, very few of those).

Isabelle I can understand this very well, social situations are a nightmare for me and I pretty much hide from them. I almost ran away from the game, but I have chose to stay - to face any consequences and learn from my mistake. I think you are a lovely member and am happy that you have made the decision to stay despite often feeling like running from the situations which have caused upset. If you ever need to talk please feel free to drop me a line even if it's just to rant.